Well, well, well. Elon Musk’s dream of turning humans into malfunctioning cyborgs is off to a smashing start. And by “smashing,” I mean literally smashing the brains of their first human guinea pig. I mean, what could go wrong when you have a billionaire tech guru playing mad scientist?

According to the poor sap who volunteered for this experiment, his brain has shifted three times more than expected and 85-percent of the implant’s threads detached from his motor cortex. But no worries, folks! Neuralink has fixed the issue with an over-the-air software update. Because nothing says “cutting edge technology” like fixing a malfunctioning medical device like it’s a damn iPhone.

But hey, let’s not worry about Noland’s post-surgery side-effects or his concerns about having to go under the knife again. Let’s just keep gathering more data, because who needs functioning electrodes when you can have a boatload of data, right? It’s all about priorities here at Neuralink.

And get this – apparently only 1 out of every 10 applicants are even qualified for this trial. Because apparently having your wires detach from your skull is not enough to disqualify you from being a lab rat for Elon Musk and his minions. And they want to perform nine MORE surgeries by the end of the year? What could possibly go wrong?

And let us not forget that little disclaimer at the end: “We do not guarantee any benefit by participating in the PRIME Study.” Well thank goodness for that clarification because I’m sure people were lining up in droves hoping for some sort of magical cure-all solution from a company whose main selling point seems to be causing physical harm and discomfort.

So congratulations on your “rapid and sustained improvement” in whatever the hell BPS (bits-per-second) rate is, thanks to modifying your recording algorithm. We eagerly await future updates on how many more wires will mysteriously stop working or relocate within someone’s skull as if they’re playing hide-and-seek. Keep up the good work, Neuralink. Humanity is counting on you to turn us all into malfunctioning cyborgs. Because who needs autonomy and bodily integrity when you can have a fancy brain-computer interface that may or may not fry your brain? Sign me up!