Yikes – Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin big space rocket energy isn’t quite as impressive as he thought it was. In a shocking turn of events (not really), one of the parachutes on Blue Origin’s first crewed flight in two years failed to fully inflate. The Blue Origin almost turned into a billionaire space splat and more than just money was at stake. Cue gasps and dramatic music. But don’t worry folks, everyone is okay. Plus, an investigation is underway!

“It’s a small group of people who work on these parachutes,” Stich is quoted in SpaceNews as saying. “They’ve been great at sharing data with us. They don’t really have any kind of root cause yet, and we continue to follow along with them.”

According to reports from SpaceNews (*yawn*), Steve Stich revealed this issue during a briefing about Boeing’s upcoming Starliner test flight – because apparently sharing information publicly just wasn’t part of the plan here at Blue Origin HQ.

Now, get this: not only did they keep their little parachute malfunction under wraps until now; but turns out other companies use similar components so we shouldn’t be too quick to judge old Jeffy boy and his team *eye roll*. Sorry NASA officials had to find out through some back door briefings rather than straight from the horse’s mouth… I mean spaceship cockpit.

So yeah basically all heck broke loose mid-flight which *nearly* resulted in the whole “abandon ship” scenario while hurtling through space at 700 miles per hour (which I’m pretty sure is faster than my wifi speed *insert more eye rolls here*). And let’s not forget they were also approximately *checks notes* oh yeah, TWENTY-NINE THOUSAND feet off the ground.

Just your average Sunday afternoon stroll for Bezos and his pals. But hey no biggie right? It was just a lil’ whoopsie with the parachutes – which sounds like some fancy way to say someone forgot to tighten a screw or two before takeoff (*coughs BEZOS coughs*)…

But don’t worry guys everything’s under control now! They’ve resumed their touristy fun-time-space rides after only TWO YEARS since that last failed liftoff – because who needs safety precautions anyway? And if you thought this parachute fiasco was bad, wait till we tell ya about Boeing Starliner’s little mishap with THEIR parachutes… Oh boy buckle up folks it gets even better! Turns out these engineers on Team B realized JUST A FEW WEEKS BEFORE LIFTOFF that their precious fabric sections had lower failure load limits than expected (#awkward) meaning IF one chute went kaput during descent then basically everyone else onboard would be screwed too.

Now they told us back in March that all issues have been resolved! Oh but WAIT there’s MORE!! Because apparently despite ALL THE TECHNOLOGY AND ADVANCEMENTS WE HAVE TODAY IN THIS CENTURY (**eye roll**) we still can’t seem to accurately simulate something as simple as PARACHUTES opening??

Like c’mon people what kind of Mickey Mouse operation are y’all running down there?! Get it together already sheesh, you nearly killed some people…

Lesson learned kiddos: when dealing with multi-million dollar space ventures, always make sure to double check those pesky parachute simulations before takeoff. And if all else fails just launch an investigation and hope for the best! But hey at least we can find some solace in knowing that Bezos’ dreams of future humans visiting Earth like they visit Yellowstone (*insert gagging noises here*) are still alive and well! Because nothing screams “safe and reliable” quite like a rocket exploding mid-flight or parachutes failing left and right. Stay tuned folks, who knows what other shenanigans Blue Origin has up their sleeves as they continue their quest to rule over outer space (and maybe even planet earth) one malfunctioning chute at a time…